Saturday, October 22, 2011

Peter Panic, Vid and Story.




From Peter Panic.. [Who knows I collect funny stories] used with permission. M Ewen.

================= 
Here is a little story for you. You could do a whole book like this-
You spend some time in show biz you have some funny stories.
Ask people to talk about the funniest thing they ever saw. Heres mine.
Mid 90s saturday night Harvard Square.
We had done some shows, made some money now it was time to drink some beer.
Our local was Charlies Kitchen but Ken the hippie balloon dude was all about Pizzaria Unos.
"The food at Charlies sucks."
"Yeah, so what? We like Charlies. Later dude."
So we go in, order some beers, look at a menu and start discussing who has the best show.
Up the stairs comes a lesbian. and another. and another.
Cambridge is pretty liberal, it is no big deal...but they just keep coming.
It is the whole rainbow of lesbianism, short hair, baggy shirts, deisel dykes, femm girls,
they just keep coming up those stairs, maybe 25 in all.
They push some tables together and make themselves at home.
Oh well, good for them. We order some food, they get some beer, it is another rowdy night in the square. I thought to myself- this is why I like Charlies better than Unos.
There is a busker at the bar, a guitar player with one leg who I did not know.
The girls get him to play some songs and now they are having a sing-along.
These girls are fun. one of them, a slim young femm girl walks up to 'Airborne' Dan Foley and asks him if he can play hotel california on a guitar. Their guy did not know it.
Dan says "I could fake it but your guy is pretty good and this is his moment and, by the way, who ARE you? where are you from?" We did not see this every day.
She says they are a queer performance art collective from san fran called Sister Spit.
They just came from p-town and they were going to be attending a poetry slam in Boston the next day. Dan's like- thats cool, we are all performers too, jugglers and circus tricks.
She goes back to her seat and we give Dan a hard time- "I think she likes you dan."  "maybe you can get her to switch sides."
 Her friends seem to be giving her grief for flirting with the enemy. She comes back over. "We want to see some tricks."
" What? "
"You guys are performers, show us some tricks."
We are all like, "Oh, we just got done working, we're trying to eat here."
Sorry about the long set up, this is about to go somewhere.

Ken is eating the best meal of his life at Unos, Jim Show Jim decided to have an early night and a glass of ginger beer, my girlfriend Jenny had meant to meet us but she was asleep at home. now lets meet the hero of this story.
Mike Smith was not a performer, at least not a pro. ex army ranger, worlds greatest short order cook, ne'er do well who hung out on the pitch and was everyones friend.
natural born ring leader, he becomes the default MC.
He gets up, says "Ok- lets get this show started!" He does a cartwheel, realizes halfway through he does not know how and falls on his ass. no worries, the ball is rolling.
They do an acro balance, Bobarino Brady does a handstand.
They recite a dramatic poem, I juggle a salt shaker a ketchup bottle and a sugar packet.
They sing a song to guitar and Dan balances a chair on his chin. Now we are having fun, but still nothing to write a book about.
Mike turns to Bob Elgin, 'Lucky Bob', and says- "Your turn Bob, get up and do something."
He does not care about Bob but he knows we have to hold up our end.
Bob is all like, "Oh, all my props are in the car, I dont have anything on me." [Bob is a magician.]
Mike says "You have to do SOMETHING, what do you need? What if i get you a deck of cards?"
Bob says "Yeah! yeah, get me a deck of cards. I can do a card trick."
Here we go.
 I had the cat bird seat for what comes next so listen carefully.
Mike gets up. He knows someone in the bar has a deck of cards.
He walks up to the closest lesbian, the meanest, toughest dyke of them all.
dyed hair, tats, peircings, older than the rest. sort of a father figure.
mike- "Excuse me um... miss?"
She looks at him with contempt.
"Um, by any chance, do you happen to have a deck of cards?"
She is sitting slouched in her chair, legs spread wide in her leather pants.
Her name is Lynn Breedlove, apparently she is famous.
She says- "No, I dont have a deck...but I have a dick."
Just like that. and she grabs the inside of her leg, about halfway down her thigh.
This escalated very quickly, but no one is really paying attention yet.
Mike looks at her. He is thinking- 'you may look tough, but you were born a woman.'
There is no way. so he says-"Really?"
she says-"Thats right."
He says- "Will you show it to me?" He is so sure she is bluffing.
She says "How about, if I pull it out, how about you suck on it?"
Mike is completley crazy, but his 4 aces are about to run into a straight flush.
He says- "OK!"
Lynn Breedlove stands up and starts unlacing her leather pants.
Mike wears a bridge; he can take out his teeth.
As she pulls out a family size strap on dildo and he gets down on his knees I say-
"Mike- take out your teeth!"
He puts his teeth on the table and- God bless him- he puts that monster in his mouth.
It was like an explosion. It was very powerful. It started at the center with her table and our table and spread very quickly to the bar and the back corners of the room, and it was just...
It was hard to look at. It was like staring at the sun.
It did not last long.
He got to his feet, the girls are roaring, the whole place is going crazy, the roof was going to come off the building.
It was too much. From the back of the room people are calling us faggots and queers and what have you. The lesbians are ready to rumble, they are not afraid of a fight. They told us they get in fights everywhere they go. Something very intimidating about all those girls.
There was this pretty blonde girl with a scar on her cheek, she is swinging a chain.
So this Puerto Rican nitwit pulls a knife, Mike backs him into a corner and cools him down.
By then the bar staff and owners have had enough and they kick us all out.
'So what- time to go anyway.'
Now we are outside, and the kid with the knife and his buddies are not so tough anymore.
They take off. We are milling around, talking to the girls, they are slapping us on the back,
telling us we are all right even if we are male.
We did not want it to end. I had the party house nearby, so it was up to me to be like-
"Hey..um you guys want to smoke some pot? Lets have a party."
They were like, "Yeah sure."
I run to a payphone, call Jenny, wake her up out of a sound sleep and I am babbling.
"Mike Smith just gave a blow job to a lesbian in Charlies and now they are all coming over to my house!"
She said-"I'll be right there." and hung up the phone. She was always good to go.
I run into Ken on the street. He had already heard. He was on his way to my house.
I just laughed at him. "How was your dinner Kenny boy? What did you have?"
Later I remembered to find a deck of cards and hand it to Bob.
"Lets see that card trick bob. Show us what we missed."
And he did a card trick for us.

4 comments:

Butterfly Man said...

Hey... He wrote that to me... did he send the same story to you??? I feel I've been used...to be honest, I've always wanted to be paid.

Martin Ewen said...

Robert , he gave it to you, You gave it to me, I posted it on pnet, and newsvine back in the day, and convozine, and redroom, and reddit. and then a year or two passed and i posted it up here.

I've always wanted to be paid too but i can't weave baskets for shit.

Al Angello said...

Great story Peter.

Martin Ewen said...

It is a great story. Peter doesn't write much but he should. it flows along and behind the story the structure is excellent. Not many people can transfer skills automatically to different mediums. Pete's taken some writing classes way back but I think he's got a gift for pace and structure that he transfers really well from his performance work. I write much more than him and I'd rate the best stuff I've done as an 8.5 at capturing the casual mayhem of our lifestyle. Peter just jots this down and it's a 9.